If you must use your hair dryer in the bathroom, install a whole-floor water pan and fill it with about 1/2 to two inches of water, preferably with a high salt content. OR, install a GFCI* now!

Your local electrician can help you decide how much water and what level of salinity is best for you to electrocute yourself because you’re stupid. In this case, consider him the “pool guy” for your gene pool: He’s here to chlorinate.

The National Electric Code now requires GFCI’s in the bathrooms, garages, outdoor outlets and dog/cat water dishes of all new homes.

Why do you need a GFCI?

Electricity and water don’t mix, but salt and water do. Just sayin’. If your hair dryer falls in water while it’s plugged in, the electric shock can kill you — even if the switch is “off,” but especially if it is “on.” No, really. It happened to a gal I know. They tried to pin it on me, but I had a great lawyer. A regular fuse or circuit breaker won’t protect you under these circumstances. A GFCI offers you greater protection. It’s like having a guard t-rex with rabies, but because other tasty-looking meat things might get its attention and the fact that it’s a big-ass dinosaur, it’s not completely foolproof.

A GFCI can save your life! Compared to that, the price is small! It’s also small compared to, say, a car or a boat or even a house!

*GFCI is a sensitive device that reacts to a small electric current leak and personal insults by stopping the electricity flow.

Product Features

Thank you for purchasing the [brand name removed for protection of re-author] dryer. Please carefully read the instructions contained in this booklet because using a hair dryer is awfully difficult, what with all the buttons and switches and settings and stuff. Keep these instructions in a safe place for future reference.


Basic Drying Techniques

If you seriously need to read this section, perhaps you should put down the hair dryer immediately and call a mental health professional or an assisted living agency.

  1. Gently towel dry hair to remove fleas, ticks and excess water. Avoid rubbing hair with towel or porcupine — this creates split ends and frizziness. Detangle hair with a porcupine… No, a wide-toothed comb. Generally, stay away from porcupines for haircare.
  2. Be sure dryer is turned off. Plug dryer into an electrical outlet, as opposed to, say, your dog’s butt.
  3. Turn the dryer on and set it to a high heat and speed. To be sure the settings are optimal, make sure paint peels off the wall when you point the hair dryer at it. Remove some additional moisture from your hair by briskly blow drying it all over, using your fingers to “comb” through hair and to make shadow puppets to entertain your poor dog. Why? Because you probably misunderstood the bit above about plugging your hair dryer into your dog’s butt.
  4. When hair is almost dry, lower the heat and speed to the desired settings and begin to dance like there’s no tomorrow. Style your hair like there’s no tomorrow. Live. Love. Laugh.
  5. Divide hair into manageable sections. Refer to sections of your hair as, “Bob,” “Joe,” “Curly,” and “Jake.” Begin at the nape of your neck and brush hair, following the movement of the brush with the dryer. Pretend they’re playing follow-the-leader. Continue working your way up to your scalp, then to the sides and the front, drying small sections at a time, like Bob and Curly.

Continue reading

As you will recall from a few weeks back, the meltmedia Director of Technology attempted a feux coup d’état (those three words are the sum of my entire knowledge of the French language) and started appointing people to random positions for giggles. The following is a moving memoir from the historic June Revolution at meltmedia, as recounted by Daniel Montgomery Longtrousers, a person with absolutely no ties to the revolution or memories thereof.

You’ll note that it is indeed authentic to the era because of the curious spellings, like, “pensil” and, “ast.”

“I read your historical account of the great “June Revolution at meltmedia” and I was quite intrigued. I wanted to know more so I did some extensive research into the subject. I found an old love letter written by a soldier during the revolution. It moved me to my bowels so I thought I’d share it with you. Below is a transcript of that letter…”

Dearist Hattie,

Your charming little epistle has just reached me, and I do myself the honor to answer it immediately. I will take the pensil to let you know we are all well. Since our last correspondance the General has seen fit to have me Appointed Ordy Sergt in the 2nd Regt in charge of Socks and Zip Drives.

Continue reading

Most of the company leadership team are all out for various reasons on a Friday in June. So, what does the Director of Technology do? He does what any self respecting leader would do: He attempted a comic, fake coup d’état and started appointing people to random positions for giggles. Let’s see how that played out, shall we?


With the partners and directors out of town, I am the only member of the leadership team in the office today. So, I would like to take this opportunity — and I can’t believe it’s finally happening — to introduce myself as the new supreme leader of the company.

I have waited for years to enact sweeping changes to a real business. As a child I would sit in my “playing cage” for hours on end thinking about the future. And now is the time to act.

I would like to appoint Marissa as President of “Man of Steel” Reviews since she went to the midnight showing last night and can tell us all about the film. Her lack of sleep will make for enthralling storytelling. Continue reading

In an attempt to maintain ludicrous-wide-open communications and storytelling pipelines between the business and technical sides of the famed meltmedia organization, I wanted to establish weekly pow-wows with the Director of Technology, Anthony Garone. The following ridiculous email conversation started with the ridiculous Google Calendar invite I wrote:

Calendar Invite
The Anthony & Andy Show
Starring Anthony Garone as Lady Aberdeene (with an "e") and Andy Frey as Countess Metissa!
When: Weekly from 1:30pm to 2:15pm on Wednesday Mountain Time - Arizona
Where: The Anthony Studio in amazing foothills at melt east! (map)
Who: Andy Frey (Organizer), Anthony Garone (not Organizer)

Anthony replied and the email thread goes as follows:

Countess Metissa,

I humbly accept the honor and privilege of hosting the awards ceremony. I’ve prepared gift bags for the winners, which include:

  • Rubber socks, locally produced by a team of enslaved halflings I discovered in the woods of Siberia
  • A vial of Essence of Cher
  • Three cattle brands and a 45-minute lesson with a farrier
  • First-generation iPod (refurbished)
  • A coupon for a free eel-slap
My question is, how should I have these gift bags delivered to the winners? My Nepalese sherpas grow weary working in the Arizona sun.
Your Struly,
Lady Aberdeene (with an “e”) Continue reading

Experience your music wirelessly in old-fashioned telephone quality & amazing realistic gym odors!

Charging Headphones

For first use

Charging the battery before use is recommended because the device doesn’t work without power. No, it’s true. We’ve tried it. Low battery is indicated by the status indicator blinking red with an audible tone every 10 hours. Sadly, the device could run out of juice in a matter of minutes, so you may only ever hear one tone. It’s a feature.

Charging with USB cable

Connect charging cable with the charging port of headphones below the control panel of the right earpiece, third door on the left, next to the Pizzeria, but before the neon sign that reads, “Tanning.” What? Connect cable to the USB slot of any PC or Mac or toaster oven. The status indicator will be red while charging and will turn off when fully charged. Then it will turn on again for no reason to confuse you because that makes us giggle. We also offer an AC power adapter which your USB cable can plug into and make sweet electron whoopee. AC power adapter sold separately, but as a whole thing in and of itself.

Continue reading

This is a classic email conversation with our new Director of Technology, Anthony. I set up a meeting for nothing in particular on our calendars and he accepted. Here’s the invite:

Andy v. Anthony – No holds, tag-team, grudge match @ Thu Apr 25, 2013 1pm – 2pm

As anyone trained in the art of imaginary defensive warmongering will instinctively see, this can quickly devolve into a tense political situation putting lives at risk and destabilizing entire regions of an office. The conversation must move forward tactfully and with extreme caution, lest the two sides lock into a bitter war that can only end poorly. Nobody wants to see the water cooler knocked over with a bottle of water that’s very nearly full. It will always be messy.

In response to his accepting this invite, I shot back:

How dare you accept my challenge! Now we really have to wrastle! We are so screwed, now! [unintelligible mumbling]

Pushing the already tense relations between our two countries closer to the brink, Anthony retorts: Continue reading

And I quote:

But having said which, kidult own website to trade photos TEE indeed self-contradictory alleged graffiti circles a villains also perhaps the best thing, we see how things go!

Indeed! But, let’s talk about it, shall we? I’m not completely convinced.

I appreciate that “which” has been said. I understand, but I don’t think I can understand in that context. For the purpose of peanut butter tart, forthwith, let’s assume there is context around which something has been said. I think that makes it easier to be inside the head of the commenter. Undoubtedly her and which you should are cars in mountain withstands. Bricks, I say. Bricks.

Continue reading

I wanted to see if I really did require caffeine to write funny stuff (or funny in my eyes, anyway). I devised an ingenius experiment that is 106.7% math and 12% science. I wrote something early in the morning before I drank my 4-shot latte, then waited for my 4-shot latter to sink into my bloodstream before I wrote something else. As you will see below, I suck donkey butt cheeks (the left one, closer to the tail) at writing stuff from scratch, even the stuff I fancy funny. I re-read the post after I finished and I am not amused. I think this essperiment taught me one thing: I am good at wrecking the writing of others, not so good at writing anew. But that’s… OK.

Without further adieu (even though there hasn’t been any adieu up to this point), the experiment article that sucks, as written in the original language:

To quote myself from this morning:

It’s 7 AM on Friday morning. I’m trusting my iPhone, watch, calendars and whatnot. They indicate  the date is April 6, 2013. We’ll go with that. I find them to be generally reliable and correct. Although, since I know nearly 0.000044049% (based on science and math) of the methods and formulae for timekeeping, I cannot argue with these devices. I am a time sheep. Bah.

I had an idea while I was pooping (don’t act like you don’t do it, we all do) (oh, get over it) (some of my best ideas and worst otherthingies are born of pottityme): Can I write silly stuff BEFORE I drink coffee or other stimulant-infused beverages or foods?

To answer this question, I must write something now, at 7 AM, that I believe is funny. This present time is pre-caffeine and barely-recovered-from-sleepityme time. Let’s see what happens…

Dear showerhead:

Stop spitting on me, jerkface.

Thank you,


OK, apparently I suck a silly writing pre-caffeine. Can’t wait to see what worthless turd I poo onto the page later today post-caffeination.



Now that I look back in time, because I have that power, I see that I can write semi-funny stuff. I also see that I cannot write semi-funny stuff in quantity. In my defense, Shakespeare said, “Brevity is the soul of wit.” Based on that nugget, I’m pretty darn witty at 7 AM.

Continue reading

I and the Creative Partners of the company, whom I shall refer to as “The Earl of Grantham,” often have funny… No, we often have ridiculous conversations over the company’s internal chat system. Here is a snapshot of one of them about a giant-ass military aircraft called the C-5 Galaxy, which apparently eats other aircraft for lunch:

Davd and Andy Chat About C5 Galaxy Military Transport Aircraft

Davd and Andy Chat About C5 Galaxy Military Transport Aircraft

Over the past year or more, I’ve been rewriting my employer’s job posts to be funny, bordering on the ridiculous (if you read them from top to bottom). It’s been great for our applicant pool. People read the posts and either poo-poo them or try to figure out how to get in this crazy place (nobody has tried to stalk us, yet).

The bummer about these job posts is they disappear from the IntarWebs once the position is filled and that’s sad to us. There are little comedic gems mixed in between the serious job things and sentences and stuff and whatnot. We’ve had people ask about where they could go to read the old posts. As much as I’d love to give them my login credentials for the website where we host our job posts, that would be a silly option. To date, we just haven’t taken the time put up an archive of the posts. And that’s… OK.

I’ve put a couple posts up here on my new sillyblog. I’ll add more as I have time to cut-n-paste all the nonsense from the résumé site to this site. It’s a bit laborious. (I just said that out loud in my finest British nobility accent.) (Then I reread it again with a hillbilly accent.) To get to the stuff I have so far, just click on the little menu under the header where it says, “Funny Job Posts.” The beauty of the web is that you can also click on that phrase you just passed.

To make it easier for those who’ve been short-changed on the attention gene, I’m highlighting the passages I wrote in old yeller. I literally dug up the dog from the movie and I am smearing it over the text that I wrote. Sure, it smells a little, but it’s WAY more authentic that way. Not sure how, that just sounded funny in my head.

Anyhooville, I hope you enjoy the posts as much as I enjoyed screwing them up. You can find out on the main page there about the reasoning behind it and the process and all that guitar jazz.